1. Microsoft Office.
When you have to send a graphic designer a document, make sure it's made with a program from Microsoft Office. PC version if possible. If you have to send pictures, you'll have more success in driving them mad if, instead of just sending a jpeg or a raw camera file, you embed the pictures inside a Microsoft Office document like Word or Powerpoint. Don't forget to lower the resolution to 72 dpi so that they'll have to contact you again for a higher quality version. When you send them the "higher" version, make sure the size is at least 50% smaller. And if you're using email to send the pictures, forget the attatchment once in a while.

2. Fonts.
If the graphic designer chooses Helvetica for a font, ask for Arial. If he chooses Arial, ask for Comic Sans. If he chooses Comic Sans, he's already half-insane, so your job's half done.

3. More is Better.
Let's say you want a newsletter designed. Graphic designers will always try to leave white space everywhere. Large margins, the leading and kerning of text, etc. They will tell you that they do this because it's easier to read, and leads to a more clean, professional look. But do not believe those lies. The reason they do this is to make the document bigger, with more pages, so that it costs you more at the print shop. So make sure you ask them to put smaller margins and really, really small text. Many different fonts are also suggested (bonus if you ask for Comic Sans, Arial or Sand). Ask for clipart. Ask for many pictures (if you don't know how to send them, refer to #1). They will try to argument, and defend their choices but don't worry, in the end the client is always right and they will bow to your many requests.

4. Logos.
If you have to send a graphic designer a logo for a particular project, let's say of a sponsor or partner, be sure to have it really really small and in a low-res gif or jpeg format. Again, bonus points if you insert it in a Word document before sending it. Now you might think that would be enough but if you really want to be successful in lowering the mental stability of a graphic designer, do your best to send a version of the logo over a hard to cut-out background. Black or white backgrounds should be avoided, as they are easy to cut-out with the darken or lighten layer style in photoshop. Once the graphic designer is done working on that bitmap logo, tell him you need it to be bigger. If you need a custom made logo, make your own sketches on a napkin. Or better yet, make your 9 year old kid draw it. Your sketch shouldn't take more than 5 minutes to make. You don't want to make something that's detailed and easy to understand, because the less the designer understands what you want, the more you can make him change things afterwards. Never accept the first logo. Never accept the 9th, make him do many changes, colors, fonts & clip art. Ask him to add a picture in the logo. Bevels. Gradients. Comic Sans. And when he's at his 10th attempt, tell him that you like the 2nd one the most. I know, it's mean but remember: graphic designers are the cause of breast cancer among middle aged women.

5. Choosing your words.
When describing what you want in a design, make sure to use terms that don't really mean anything. Terms like "jazz it up a bit" or "can you make it more webbish?". "I would like the design to be beautiful" or "I prefer nice graphics, graphics that, you know, when you look at them you go: Those are nice graphics." are other options. Don't feel bad about it, you've got the right. In fact, it's your duty because we all know that on fullmoons, graphic designers shapeshift into werewolves.

6. Colours.
The best way for you to pick colors (because you don't want to let the graphic designer choose) is to write random colors on pieces of paper, put them in a hat and choose. The graphic designer will suggest to stay with 2-3 main colors at the most, but no. Choose as many as you like, and make sure to do the hat thing in front of him. While doing it, sing a very annoying song.

7. Deadlines.
When it's your turn to approve the design, take your time. There is no rush. Take two days. Take six. Just as long as when the deadline of the project approaches, you get back to the designer with more corrections and changes that he has time to make.

8. Finish Him/her.
After you've applied this list on your victim, it is part of human nature (although some would argue weather they're human or not) to get a bit insecure. As he realises that he just can't satisfy your needs, the graphic designer will most likely abandon all hopes of winning an argument and will just do whatever you tell him to do, without question. You want that in purple? Purple it is. Six different fonts? Sure! You would think that at this point you have won, but don't forget the goal of this: he has to quit this business. So be ready for the final blow: When making final decisions on colors, shapes, fonts, etc, tell him that you are disappointed by his lack of initiative. Tell him that after all, he is the designer and that he should be the one to put his expertise and talent at work, not you. That you were expecting more output and advices about design from him. Tell him you've had enough with his lack of creativity and that you would rather do your own layouts on Publisher instead of paying for his services. And there you go. You should have graphic designer all tucked into a straight jacket in no time!

Bill Gates will be leaving Microsoft to concentrate on ridding the world of disease, but leaves behind a company that will too have its challenges - namely trying to keep dominance with Google hot on their heels.

Just as Gates, 52, supplanted IBM in the '80s and '90s by banking on personal computers and ensuring they all ran Microsoft operating systems, Google could relegate Microsoft to relative obscurity by cementing itself as the operating system of the web.

And Microsoft's other cash cow, Office, is being threatened by legions of free office suites including Google's online equivalents of Word, Excel, PowerPoint and Outlook, which are challenging Office's consumer market share and already making inroads into enterprise.

Why...why is that because of this letter?

Letter from Banta Singh to Mr. Bill Gates
Subject: Problems With My New Computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems,
which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle' but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when will you provide that?
5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when will you provide the remaining items?
6. It is surprising that windows says 'My Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that folder?
7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?
9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,
Banta

Last one to Mr. Bill Gates:
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?

Coba dicerna dulu sebelum protes, ada yang punya analisa tentang Harga BBM naik, jumlah rakyat miskin turun. Seperti yang dibilang LPEM (dirahasiakan) bahkan sampai 14% lebih.

Analisanya sebagai berikut:
- Harga BBM naik, tadinya rakyat miskin yang naik bis, sekarang jadi jalan kaki. Terus di jalan tertabrak metromini yang berlari kencang karena mengejar setoran (soalnya BBMnya naik), terus MATI. "RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG"
- Tadinya rakyat miskin makan sehari sekali, terus jadi makan sekali untuk tiga hari (karena daya belinya turun). Lama kelamaan MATI. "RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG"
- Tadinya rakyat miskin yang pada sakit masih bisa beli obat generik. Terus tidak bisa beli lagi. Atau tadinya ke puskesmas bisa naik angkot sekarang jalan kaki jadi malah MATI di jalan. "RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG"
- Ada rakyat miskin yang jadi stress, mikirin BBM yang naik, terus-menerus memikirkannya sampai lupa makan dan minum, akhirnya MATI juga. "RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG"
- Ada rakyat miskin yang kreatif dan berinisiatif, buat memenuhi kebutuhan dia mencuri ayam tetangga, tertangkap, dipukuli massa sampai MATI juga. "RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG"
- Rakyat miskin di RT 007 berebut kartu Bantuan Langsung Tewas (BLT) yang masih lagi dicetak, akhirnya berkelahi sampai MATI "RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG"
- Rakyat miskin di RT 007 tidak puas dengan kepemimpinan bapak RT yang gak adil, lalu pak RT dipukuli sampai MATI. "RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG"
- Rakyat miskin dari RT 007 mengantri mencairkan dana BLT di kantor pos. Menunggu berdesak-desakan berjam-jam, berhari-hari, berminggu-mingu akhirnya MATI di kantor pos. "RAKYAT MISKIN BERKURANG"

Kenapa bisa dapat angka 14% ? Karena dari 100 orang miskin itu, yang mengalami kejadian di atas ada 14+5 orang maka dapet angka 8+4+2+5 dibagi 100 kali 100% = 14 % + 5% (Hitungan sejadi-jadinya/tidak ada data yang akurat). Demikian analisa ini dibuat secara sederhana, mudah dicerna, anti pusing.

Jadi kesimpulannya : Langkah pemerintah menetapkan BBM naik sudah cukup tepat. Hanya saja kenaikannya kurang tinggi. Coba kalau dinaikkan lebih tinggi lagi, pasti semakin cepat lagi laju pengurangan rakyat miskin di negeri ini. Semoga pemerintah kita bisa membaca analisa ini dan segera saja menaikkan lagi BBM setinggi-tingginya biar tambah banyak orang jadi maling ayam (bukan koruptor), kalau dipukuli tidak sampai mati, lumayan bisa makan gratis di penjara dari pada di rumah mau beli makanan yang semakin naik harganya karena makanan diangkut pakai transportasi. Pasti saja BBM naik pasti berimbas tarif makanan juga naik.

Tetap bersemangatlah rakyat miskin jangan cepat menyerah dengan keadaan di negeri yang tercinta ini. Terima kasih untuk para penyemangat yang telah mendahului kita: "Habis Gelap Terbitlah Terang" - R.A. Kartini & "Badai Pasti Berlalu" - Chrisye.

Pada saat kuliah tentang Manajemen Stress, seorang dosen mengangkat segelas air dan bertanya kepada para siswanya, "Berapa berat menurut anda, kira-kira segelas air ini?"

Para siswa menjawab mulai dari 200 gram sampai 500 gram. "Ini bukanlah masalah berat absolutnya..tapi tergantung berapa lama anda memegangnya." kata dosen itu. "Jika saya memegangnya selama 1 menit..tidak ada masalah." "Jika saya memegangnya selama 1 jam..lengan kanan saya akan sakit.." "Dan jika saya memegangnya selama 1 hari penuh..mungkin anda harus memanggilkan Ambulan untuk saya.."

"Beratnya sebenarnya sama..tapi semakin lama saya memegangnya..maka bebannya akan semakin berat." "Jika kita membawa beban kita terus menerus..lambat laun kita tidak akan mampu membawanya lagi.." "Beban itu akan meningkat beratnya.." lanjut dosen itu. "Apa yang harus kita lakukan adalah meletakkan gelas tersebut..istirahat sejenak sebelum mengangkatnya lagi."

"Kita harus meninggalkan beban kita secara periodik agar kita dapat lebih segar dan mampu membawanya lagi." "Jadi sebelum pulang ke rumah dari pekerjaan sore ini..tinggalkan beban pekerjaan." "Jangan bawa pulang..beban itu dapat diambil lagi besok.." "Apapun beban yang ada di pundak anda hari ini..coba tinggalkan sejenak jika bisa.." "Setelah beristirahat..nanti dapat diambil lagi."

"Hidup ini singkat..jadi cobalah menikmatinya dan memanfaatkannya!" "Hal terindah dan terbaik di dunia ini tak dapat dilihat atau disentuh." "Tapi dapat dirasakan jauh di dalam Hati kita!"